Today I’ve been fortunate, or unfortunate enough to snatch a few words with El Slobbo, which is the less than complimentary name for Bob, aka Bob the slob. He's the big brother of the equally oddly named Sad-case from Three Hoodies Save The world.
He’s on his way to sign in at the bail office before going to the pub so I had to pay him for his time; although I don’t think it’s that long since he left the pub because his eyes are already glassy and a little bloodshot. His scraped knuckles suggest that I shouldn’t keep him too long.
Hullo. I guess you wouldn’t like me to call you any of your other names used by your brother?
Bob. ‘Mister, if you want to keep your teeth. And no, I wouldn’t. I’m so going to get him for those names one of these days’.
But don’t you think that if you treated your brother a little better, he might not call you all those names. You might even be friends.
Bob. ‘Friends with him – the slug. I’d rather insert him into a drain cover.’
So you don’t really care for him that much, then.
Bob. ‘Care for him. I’ll flatten the miserable little worm under a stream roller.’
Don’t you mean steam roller? And isn't that a bit harsh? After all he is you brother.
Bob. ‘I know what I mean! And he's only my bro by birth.’
But he has helped to save the world twice already. And fought aliens, and monsters. Don’t you think that’s quite an achievement for a fourteen year old?
Bob. ‘No I blo*** well don’t. He also made me look like a dork at the same time. He gets all the glory and all I get is a bad rep.’
So you don’t think there’ll be any peace between you any time soon?
Bob. Never, and I’ll tell you something else…he trails off, his unshaven and amazingly ugly face grimacing, which I take to be a smile as he contemplates new ways of mangling his brother. I change the subject quickly.
Do you think you’re finally going to get him in book three?
Bob. ‘Yeah. This time he’s really going to get it. I’m going to…‘ breaks off again. Now he’s actually salivating. It’s not a pretty sight, and making a terrible mess on my carpet.
What if this time it’s your turn? What if he gets you.
Bob. Never gonna happen. Got a plan. This time I’m gonna trash him and his two wimpy friends for good. Anyway, I don’t believe all that space cr** I think he’s full of it.’
He breaks off a final time before storming out, knocking over my printer on the way and “accidentally” spilling a mug of tea onto my computer. The front door slams and a howl from the cat means she didn’t get out of the way soon enough.
I don’t know which of them are going to triumph in Three Hoodies Save The World 3, but I know who I’m voting for.