I finally got it.

 None of those naughty diseases, I hasten to add. My wife would be exceedingly irritated I were to be naughty. No, despite being very careful, and having three inoculations, I have COVID.

    Am I the only pedantic twit that thinks Omicron should have been called Epsilon - it being the fifth letter of the Greek alphabet, and all?

    Anyway, the only way I know I have it is because two lateral flow tests said I did. I feel fine, chipper in fact. This afternoon I did an official PCR test - finally. After begging for another swab from the irritated and overworked attendant because I'd shoved it so far up my nose that it began to bleed.

    Now I just have to wait three days for the official verdict. Luckily I'm taking all the holiday I haven't taken this year and not currently on what laughingly passes for sick pay on this miserable little island.

    My wife was away visiting our grandchild and now she'll have to stay another week until I'm all better.

    I'll get by, somehow. A whole week of beer and war films. It's an awful job but someone's got to do it.

    Did I mention that my new computer boots up in exactly five seconds.