Thursday, 4 April 2013

Things I've broken.

Since I sold my old motorbike the other day, I've been smashed off my new one by some **********driver, and now its broken down. So that got me to thinking about all the things that I have broken or just broke of their own accord whilst I happened to be in the vicinity. It makes for a frightening list. Is it just because I'm left handed or more likely a sixth dan Klutze?

2 yrs old   Drank half a pint of bleach.
3  yrs old  Arrow through the eye - big brother
4 yrs old   Broken skull - big brother.

First day of cross country training in the Royal marines.

Second day of cross country training in the Royal Marines.

   I was in three helicopter crashes in my military time - all in the same aircraft and all with the same pilot, who after the third called me a Jonah, or words of approximately that description and refused to fly with me again.
   I have a great photo somewhere of said broken Gazelle being lifted aboard an aircraft carrier later that day by another helicopter - which broke down. That night the aircraft carrier ran into a force ten gale in the Arctic Ocean resulting in the loss of two helicopters and a Hawker jumpjet which leaped gaily over the side; along with my Landrover. That wasn't my fault, or at least I don't think so.

   And there was that unfortunate incident with a  hand grenade and broken pin. 

   And that time the road collapsed in the Arctic beneath me and thirty thousand litres of high octane aviation fuel.

   And that time when the truck load of surface to air missiles got too hot.

   Then there was the military transport jet in the days when we could and I did smoke. After putting it out in what I thought was an ashtray, I saw a sign stating: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT CIGARETTES HERE!  I spent the next four hour flight wondering which iceberg were were going to fly into.

   And that time in Monaco when the forty million pound (£) yacht came adrift. I never touched it, honest; I was in the bar over the other side of the port trying to cool it up to a young lady. 

   I'd better stop; I'm even considering putting myself down..


  1. And I thought I was a klutz...After all that, it's a miracle you're still alive! :)

  2. And I thought I was a klutz...After all that, it's a miracle you're still alive! :)

  3. I haven't even included the juicy things like when my wife fell of the back of an offshore cruiser in the med doing 85 knots. I did tell her to hold on and it wasn't my fault there was a dead horse floating in the water. It was the horse or a £115.000 Kevlar hull.

  4. You are certainly leading a charmed life by surviving that lot. You must have a brilliant guardian angel!

    1. Story of my entire life, or should that be almost death on multiple occasions.

  5. I don't know what to say, except please stay a good distance away.
    I'm surprised you survived any of these.

    1. Funnily enough my wife won't ride my bike with me ever since I took off both her shoe heels on a particularly tricky S bend. Women are touchy like that.