I was attacked by a red kite yesterday

 Not one of those.    

    One of these.   

    I was in the countryside, minding my own business and waiting for my boss when I first heard a rush of displaced air, followed by a squawk and then the cackle of what I assumed to be avian profanity.

    Give that this bird's usual fare are small rodents such as mice or voles, this one must have had a serious attitude problem. Then I remembered that they almost always hunt in pairs, so I legged it. After jumping into the Range Rover I gave it the finger, which must have miffed it even further.

    They aren't exactly vultures since this is only England and all, but it did have a nasty glint in its beady eyes. I have no idea why it chose me.

    Maybe it was an emissary from my boss to stop me from sleeping in the car because a few minutes later a massive white blob exploded across the windscreen, before it flew off in the sure knowledge of a job well done.

    I did once get swooped on by a Harris Hawk, a lot bigger than that mangy Kite, but that was my own fault as I was (yet again) cleaning up the waste from my daughter's horse and it obviously took exception to intruders on it's patch.