Saturday, 6 March 2021

Sense or census

A couple of days ago the postman/person delivered my census form, which will take place in a week or so. We only get them once a decade and the penalty for not responding is transportation, death, or worse. 

    Unlike, or perhaps exactly like the rest of the planet, not everyone in the UK even has a computer, let alone the internet. Yet according to the instructions emblazoned across the front page, I, like everyone else in order to save the planet, has to do it on the same day - on the computer. I can't even imagine how much bandwidth it would require for 27.8 million (I just looked it up) households to get onto a single website at the same time without it, and the building housing from bursting into flames.

    On TV this morning, they advised us all to start doing it straight away, so I dutifully did. Not only could I not get on, but received error messages that after forty years of faffing about with computers, even I had never seen.

    I've ordered a paper form. They can sue me.

Wednesday, 3 March 2021

It was so simple that it was ingenious

 I had my (virtual) doc's appointment yesterday, and was introduced to the magical world of medicine. 

    She got me to take some photos of my errant mole and send it to her. It took five attempts because the website that handles such sophistication crashed five time.

    Now, bear with me, but I thought of a way that could have precluded all that nonsense. It's so brilliant that I'm staggered with my own intellectual prowess.

    I could just have gone to see her.

    There, genius in purest form.

    Unfortunately she didn't like what she saw and referred me to a specialist pronto. I look forward to hearing what he/she has to say. That is, if I actually get in the same room with them.

Monday, 1 March 2021

This must be a great doctor

 A long time ago I spent nearly a decade in the south of France. To my shame I must confess that I was careless in the extreme about my sun block. It's not exactly Death Valley, but 40 degrees C (that's 104 Fahrenheit) was not that uncommon, especially on the sea, where I worked driving a boat, and somewhere that the ultra violet radiation was much stronger. Anyway, when I came home I stopped all that stupidity and never go out in the sun without factor 50.

    Enough waffle. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to examine a mole on my arm that has progressively grown, and grown at a different colour from the original mole-like hue it's always been.

    The only thing is, due to Covid, my appointment is on the phone. I really don't want to state the obvious, but how the ******** is he going to determine if it's a melanoma just from listening to my cheery voice? I know the NHS is good, but really?

Thursday, 18 February 2021


Yesterday, (whilst observing all the safe distancing blah blah blah) I assisted my soon-to-be son in law in the erection of a garden shed. The shed itself was only slightly smaller than Greater London, but that wasn't the problem.

    On the basis that most instructions for assembling, well anything, are written by someone with without any knowledge of English, let alone the ability to speak it, we ignored them.

    Two hours later we'd laid the floor and three of the four walls. As one we looked at each other. "Oh, bother", said I, or something like that as my socially distanced partner muttered a word along similar lines. Half an hour later we'd dissembled it and done what we should have done in the first place. Five hours later it was up, the sand encrusted felt for the roof installed and finally it was completed.

    Oh, and it rained all afternoon. Every single sodding second.

    The moral of the story?

    Pay someone else to do it.

Friday, 12 February 2021

I've finally got it.

Not Covid, thankfully. Yesterday I had the first jab. I decided that I wouldn't have it in my mouse arm but in my left, just in case it fell off during the night.

    What I've contracted is creative inertia. That's complete bone-idle laziness in real terms. After what seems, and actually is, nearly a year of lockdown, I've lost the energy to do anything.

    Sitting on my hard drive are two half completed novels, and I just can't find the spark to finish them. Even a less than subtle hint from she-who-must-be-obeyed to cut off a piece of me that I hold dear, was barely frightening enough to shunt me back into action. 

    Time to take the bull by the horns. There's a bottle of California's finest in the fridge. I'll try to summon the energy to drink it.

    Everything will be back to normal tomorrow. I'll start painting the covers for the books I've yet to finish. That should spur me on.

Tuesday, 9 February 2021

After a lot of whining.

 After a little (well a lot, really) of whining I'm finally getting my Covid vaccine in a couple of days.

    Apparently I'm officially old, and for the first time I'm glad. 

    I don't know if I should go on my motorbike. Apparently a minuscule number of people have an immediate adverse reaction to the jab. So it would be a pity to get protected from the deadly "C" only to run my bike under a bus.

    I've just polished it.

Tuesday, 26 January 2021

Two heroes

 I don't often comment about things on social media but this photo really made me sad.

    I wonder if these two manly hunters really feel proud of themselves for slaughtering a two year old elephant.