Sunday, 1 September 2013

Things one should never ignore.

During my fortunately long life I've always managed to ignore the most important instructions. Some of which omissions have cost me dearly. 

Yesterday I bought a new tyre for my motorbike. It cost me a kings (or Queens) ransom. So eager was I to get away that I didn't listen to the man telling me that the tyre was covered in a plasticised coating and that I was to take it easy for a while. Especially as he knows from the way I ride, that in my opinion they wouldn't put writing on the side of tyres if it weren't for extra grip.

   I picked myself and bike off the road about 100 yards later. It didn't half hurt.

   Thus here, in no particular order, is a list of things I've ignored to my cost.

1. "Don't forget to duck about a second before the hand grenade hits the ground."

2. "Don't jump into that helicopter with no doors without belting up."

3. "45 degrees is rather warm, don't forget the sun cream."

4. "Eighty knots is quite fast, don't lean overboard too far."

5. "Not all of them are dogfish, some of them are small sharks; don't dip your hand in."

6. "Absolutely do not put your cigarette out there."

7. "If the truck cants over more than forty degrees when you're off-roading, try to straighten it up."

8. "Don't ever use an adjustable wrench on the loose alternator of a Rolls Royce if you're in the middle of nowhere."

9. "Don't look at that solar eclipse through a film negative."

10. "Just because that Kommondor looks cute, don't stroke it."  (You'll have to google that particular dog to see what I mean.)

11. "Don't throw a snowball at that Elk; it's only the calf and it's mum might be near."


  1. It sounds as though you have a few tales to tell Roger. So what are you waiting for??? Glad you are OK.

  2. Those are only the first; there isn't enough room for all the blindingly stupid things I've done.
    The one with the tank and the soft mud still haunts me.

  3. These are so funny. Barbara is right. We need a book from you. Hey, I love Kommodores. They're unusual. Of course, I'd never own one because I never could figure out how to groom them.